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excert from '' A path through suffering'' by Elisabeth Elliot.

For all of these ther must have been excruciating emotional suffering. we can try and put ourselves in the pit or the prison with Joseph. We can imagine to some degree how esther's heart was in her mouth as she waited to see if the king would recieve her. Listen with Daniel to the heart-stopping snarling of the lions- at what moment will the first one spring out of the blackness? Smell and feel with Jonah the fetid slime of a marine animal's digestive tract. Lie in the filth of the prison with Paul. Although the physical suffering was great, the mental and emotional suffering must have exceeded it-how long will this go on? Will I be able to endure? What will the end be? Has God forgotten me?......

It is never the physical suffering that gets me. Mostly I struggle with the emotional and mental suffering. That is where my battles are waged. I wonder every day...How long will this go on? Will I be able to endure? What will the end be?
Has God forgotten me?

Thats where my deepest questions come from. They come from the wars waged emotionally and mentally. It is never the outside of my life that gets trashed on. It seems to always be whats the deepest inside me.


3 things we need to grasp

1.Forgiveness---Mark 11:25

2 Trusting in God's sovereignty---Genesis 50:20

3.Having a view of eternity--Colossians 3:1-4

All of this comes from Elisabeth's book. I am still trying to grasp it. Mostly I struggle with it. I might be struggling with it even longer. It is really hard for me to grab hold of.

Lumina and Lecrae

Sometimes I just sit in my car and wonder...
I wonder about all the times I have seen
the places I have been
The people I have met and have grown to love.

I was telling a friend of mine some of the stories
These stories are a part of our lives

They become the surface though
Because in all those stories
lie deeper stories
the ones that trully have shaped you
For the good
as well as bad

Welcome to my inner depths
A small bit atleast

Lecrae wrote a song. I think it speaks for most of us.
I know it spoke for me. This has been my last year. Enjoy.

Artist: Lecrae lyricsAlbum: RebelYear: 2008


Woke up this morning too depressed and shamed to leave my bed
Can't stand to see my own reflection so I hang my head
Feel like a disappointment like the scum of the earth
I'm so hurt I know you see I can't cover my dirt
My souls dying hearts weak and I can't even cry
I'm sposed to run to you but WHY I'm such an evil guy
The sun's shining but for me it's the darkest of days
Try to pretend it never happened but the guilt remains
I leave the house it feels like everybody knows I did it
Feels like they reading my mind and know the sin I committed
Through your blood I'm aquitted but my heart doesnt get it
Oh God I'm desperate for Help cause I'm grieving your Spirit
I couldn't sing in the sunday service, Lord I felt fake
And when they started communion I just made an escape
I'm in need of your graceFeels like you hid your face
Lead me back to cross and show me my sins erased

I'm waste deep in my pity
Is Satan tryna trick me and tell me you won't forgive me
Cause it's startin to get me
Jesus help me quickly I hate wrong I've done
I know we all fall but I feel like the only one
Feels like I should be shunned
Should I punish myself
I know it's dumb cause by your death all my sin has been dealt
But my sin is been felt
I didn't want to do it
But what I want to do I don't
I swear I'm gonna to lose it
Try to open my bible I need to read your pages
I need you Lord but my guilt has got me feeling so faithless
Help me see where your face is
Take me back to the basics
Help me find my joy in you and not people and places
My sin is ever before me I turned my back on you
Oh father break and restore me to bring me back to you

Have mercy on me God according to your steady love
Wipe away my transgression and wash me in your blood
Create in me a clean heart renew a right spirit
Don't take your Spirit away your Presence keep me near it
I'm waiting patience on you Lord I know you hear my cry
Restore your Joy in me
For you alone I live and die
It's you I Glorify cause you don't want my sacrifice
You want me broken and contrite trusting in the Christ
I confess to you my sin and you show me mercy
I turn away from it demonstrating that you are worthy
Over lust, over pride, over all sin
Is my affection for Jesus is who died for all them
I was lost now I'm found I was toss to the ground
My sin weighed on me heavy but I am no longer bound
As sure as Christ wears the crown
I know that grace will abound
And even when I feel lost I know in You I am found

And even when I feel lost I know in You I am found....I know in you....I am found.
Love you guys. allow God to dig deeper into those hidden areas. He knows they are there anyways. Lord help me trust in you. Trust that you can trully heal me. bring back the joy of my salvation. In you I trust. I know you have my back God. Sometimes we just have to wait on you. Your timing. not ours. I am really glad its that way. really thankful too.

Psalms 105: 4-6

Psalms 105: 4-6

Depend on the lord and his strength.; always go to him for help. Remember the miracles he has done; remember his wonders and his decisions. You are descendants of his servant Abraham, the children of Jacob, his chosen people. (I made those letters bold. They didnt come that way)


I read this verse and felt like God was saying....Depend on me Clark. Always come to me for help. Remember that I have done amazing things in your life. Remember those times. You are my child. My chosen one.

Maybe this was written for the jews in the old testamenet but to me it was written for us also.

knees bent..surrender

Holding my hands up
Trying to surrender that which I didnt want to surrender

Trying to hold God higher than I hold myself.

What do you do....

When your will dosent feel like its matching up with Gods?
You feel it inside. Do you make the hard choice?
of course you do. I guess that hypothetical question.

What happens when what I am looking for may not be what God is looking for?

(hands on head)

Sometimes I know what I need to do....then the moment passes. I have no idea again. lol. (sigh)
I trust you God. Above everyone else.

Above ALL else. For ever and ever.

Life

Sometimes I lay awake at night
Things zipping this way and that way in my mind
I dont know if anyone understands

I want to trust God to open my heart again.
To learn to love people again like he loves us.

it is a reality. its happening.

Somedays hurt can shut us down
completly make us not want to come out into the sunshine.
The darkness feels....
alot easier to live in. then to come outside.

I realize that I still want to hide inside myself.
For I feel it is safer sometimes

But to LOVE is to RISK

Somedays I just dont want to make that risk anymore.

Those who suffer much....

Loveth much.

I read that from a elisabeth elliot book.
Her husband died in the mission field from warrior natives
whom he was trying to reach with the gospel.
Years later she wrote that. she loves more than most people I have met
She has the most reason not to. Loss after loss
Yet she looks to the cross. to Jesus and the price he paid for us.

That was love. past himself. past what he felt. right towords the cross he walked
So that one day we could walk to him.

I am excited for today. It will be an amazing day. Because I trust him

Later peeps.

Confusion

Lord you are right in everything
Right in this
right in that

What about the times when I dont know what is right though?
What about those times when I feel confused?

When is a situation lacking peace and when it is just junk from my past?

Different voices keep yelling at me.

Not in an annoying way

I am just quietly processes my feelings.

doing a lot of hum and hummms.


hummmm

God I am just going to chill. I kinda need an answer pretty soon though

If youve already given me it then could you do it again

Just a bit louder

cause I mighta missed it

Ya love me anyways...I know.

Release of our hearts

The present moment is where the past and the future collide, and within a moment there is monumental potential. Thats the mystery of a moment. It's small enough to ignore and big enough to change your life."

What are you doing God?
Somedays I wish I could hear your voice.
Like ''hey man''
Or '' Dude go do that and stop being an idiot''

Rebellion. We live against the culture
We are their warriors when they feel nothing
when they wonder the streets of blackness
Who stands upon the concrete screaming out
You walk the wrong roads
your sight is blackened by deciet

who stands. many sit
wondering why this world is going to pot
literally
Pot seizes lives daily
hipnotizing those whos know no other way
Hiding them in its ghostly shrouds
saying I will cover your sins

They scream for a savior
Bleeding inside out upon these very streets
we dont even care
We whisper lies into each others ears
lies of passivity
of possession

what will this all be in years of trouble
but a burden upon our backs
weighted down with life
screaming to our God to save us
when those who walk beside us bleed for Jesus
Weep for Jesus
Weep for his heart. his passion.

PRAYER

Sometimes I wonder why i am here. Yet I know.
THose who suffer much LOVE much
Bleeding for my Jesus. My Savior.

Fear is the snake in the bushes
waiting to strike at you right when...
you trully see clarity
clarity to move in jesus steps
to take risks.

His word says he did not give us a spirit of fear

THEn why do we wear it as if it were winter and it was a warm cloak

Reality: Its summer. you are dying in that cloak of fear.
Suffocating.

Lord you know what is heading this direction. give me the power to walk your steps.
to be fearless and love fearlessly. past what pain he will throw at me. Past my past.

Guide me in your ways Lord. YOUR ways. pAst mine unto yours.

Pray for my friends.

Eddie who got pistol wiped 3 nights ago afterr standing up to a man with a gun. Said God ''slapped his wrist to let him know not to hang with those people'' yet he lives the same life. God didnt slapp his wrist. he pistol wipped him to save his life. His love is that deep for that kid.

Drew who has begun to get so deep into alcohol and drugs. he blames God for the breakup with his girlfriend. He says he no longer believes in God. He is hiding from the pain. I fear one day he will slip to far inside himself with drugs and will never be able to come back out.

I am standing up for these people. who will join me. We are these peoples saints. those who stand for them before the throne of God.

I just wanna be strong.
in my weaknesses you are strength Jesus